Friday, May 8, 2009

the once-english teacher

Last year - right in the thick of assignment time, Dan sent me the following email. I have now completed the challenge and I refer you to the piece of writing below.

2008/10/10 Dan F****** <********>
I charge you to complete the following in the most enjoyable way conceivable to once-english-teachers:
"Your character, who is odd (either somewhat or extremely), writes a letter of protest to the manager of his or her local grocery store. Write the letter."
Have fun,

Dear Mr Quinn,
I imagine that after the incident that took place on your premises yesterday afternoon, you will be finally convinced to relent from your long staunchly held position, and allow me to marry your daughter. Let me reaffirm the sentiments I first revealed to you on January 13, you must allow me to assure you of how much I ardently admire and love your dear sweet M.

I know we have had discussions on this very topic repeatedly over the last several months; and I am well aware of your desire to keep your daughter with you. There is great charm and fascination in the way she holds out tomatoes to people passing by the window, and I believe she is a major attraction for people to come into your store. I myself rarely buy groceries (being of 'independent' means I have servants to bring me meals and snacks at the appropriate time of day - yet another reason why you should let your daughter be wed to me: she would be well cared for), however, M's beauty certainly drew my attention to your lowly premises.

How well I remember that first day... hovering by the newspaper stand, glancing toward your daughter - her eyes meeting mine out of the corner of her eye. She never does look me straight in the face. Her bewitching sideways glance has caught me in a snare and I will not rest until....

But I am allowing myself to become carried away by my hopes and dreams.

Please sir, let me appeal to your better side. Surely you see how selfish it is for a father to expect his offspring to remain always at his side. Children must be allowed to leave their parents homes and cleave unto the partners who will treat them best; and if you will not see reason on this matter you must allow me to protest! Your extreme cruelty in forcing my dearest M to continually hold that same pose - offering those red red tomatoes to all and sundry - is a matter of great objection to anyone with half a heart. I even noticed... DUST! lying there: grey... on her beautiful white arm. Indeed!

And yesterday, when that thoughtless child rushed passed her, knocking dear M clean over. Why you simply left her to lie, helpless on the ground, in greatest pain and agony for all you knew, until you had served your customers. My most glorious darling lay quite silent on the floor, patiently waiting without complaint until you could help her rise again. Why... THIS IS ABUSE! It took all of my strength not to rush straight in from my place on the footpath and carry her off then and there!

To be sure my worthy adversary, I must give fair warning and let you know that if you continue to refuse consent to this match I will consider the field open to play, and will not refrain from carrying the young lady away forcefully should the opportunity arise,

I remain, in strict faithfulness to my love for Manna, the loveliest girl to ever grace a grocery store window

yours in great earnest
Trevor A Worthington Fiddlesticks

No comments:

Post a Comment